i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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