some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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