This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
