Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize