i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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