Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
