So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
