so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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