guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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