Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Can I color on your dick again?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
