All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Randomize