Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
