I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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