The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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