you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
