Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
