her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
