Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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