I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
