after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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