Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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