the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
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I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
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He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Do you have feelings for this penis?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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