so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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