My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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