No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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