i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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