first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
