I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize
