Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Quick, to the slutcave!
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
