The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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