Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
