Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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