I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
