Apparently you make a good broom.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
