Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
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Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
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I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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