I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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