She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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