Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
