So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I stole a fireplace last night.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
