Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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