We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Pooping to opera.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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