Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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