So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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