I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
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