i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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