I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
