textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
