Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
