why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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