she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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