I never want to see another naked old woman again.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
