I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
