She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
