I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
