you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
