he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
