I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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