If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
