You can't special order awesome
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
