Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
