I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
